Most adults can think of a time, either in childhood or even at work, where they have experienced bullying. It’s a disorienting feeling to experience hostility or verbal aggression at any age. Parenting a child who is a victim of bullying can be an emotional and complex task. Here is a quick-guide to the top questions that parents ask me about bullying and what they can do.
How can I tell if my child is a victim of bullying?
While there may be times where your child is not expressing the whole truth, any conversation about experiences of aggression and attack from others should be taken seriously. A depressed or anxious child may tend to feel slights easily and may need support in building confidence and perspective, but generally if a child is expressing unfair treatment, I recommend taking it seriously.
Other indications and behaviors may also clue you in that a child is experiencing bullying.
- Injuries that don’t have explanation
- Lost/damaged personal items
- Avoiding school and appearing to fake illness (stomachaches, headaches, etc)
- Decline in academic performance
- Changes in friendship group or avoiding social situations
- Changes in sleep or appetite.
- More frequent negative self-talk or other harmful behaviors (self-harm, running away, suicidal comments)
What do I do when my child doesn’t want me to get involved?
This is to be expected. Some of the biggest reasons kids fail to share that they are being bullied are feeling weak, ashamed or fearing backlash and further rejection by their peers. Many traditional approaches adults take, like confronting the situation or requesting discipline against the bully, can often make things worse. There are specific strategies that your child can use to learn to stand up for themselves and to find safety. Connecting your child with a counselor can help them learn these skills and feel they have another advocate in their corner. Most importantly, if they are talking about it and have at least one trusted adult, their chances of navigating the situation improve dramatically. They need to be validated that this is not healthy or acceptable treatment and begin to develop their own ability to problem solve the unfriendly interactions of their world.
Is cyberbullying a real concern?
Unfortunately electronic communications present with yet another opportunity for aggressive and demeaning conversations—sometimes in a more ‘public’ forum than if it were in person. If your child has access to their own online chat or phone make sure you are aware of what type of interactions they are having. Be willing to set boundaries on their behalf if you discover that the electronic communication is destructive to their sense of self. Learn about the ways that your child’s peers use electronic communication and get curious about how that contributes to their connection with others, for better or worse. Completely removing media and isolating your child can sometimes make things worse. Their age and ability to stand up for themselves is key when problem-solving their emotional safety.
What if my child is doing the bullying?
Chances are the playground politics will provide an opportunity for your child to find control and power. Being aware as a parent that your child can easily shift from the victim to the bully is important. Connect with your child’s teacher and be willing to remove privileges and have tough conversations at home when situations come up. This sense of accountability and talking through what motivated them can help kids learn empathy and accountability. Kids with great families and family values still mess up and the guidance you can offer is so valuable.
If you think your child is struggling with bullying, counseling can be a helpful way for them to learn resilience and process how bullying is impacting them. Click HERE to connect with a counselor.
