Growth-minded people are my favorite. I consider myself to be one. There is, however, a lot of
internal conflict for people who seek the “exceptional”. We can pick up labels that aren’t
helpful and over-analyze possible outcomes in effort to meet our goals. Here are three aspects
of being confident that differ from narcissistic outlook.
#1 Being Assertive vs Aggressive: It is truly a life-skill to speak what you need and want, in that
exact moment and feel you are heard. Some of that depends on our communication style,
some on the response of the other person. Owning that the other’s response is truly out of our
control can be liberating. If we have spoken clearly, without taking away from the listeners
ability to disagree or dislike our position, we have done ourselves proud. This is healthy and
does not always mean others are happy.
A key question to ask: Did I devalue the other person or just stand up for my own values?
#2) Pride vs. “Hubris”: I love how Brené Brown explores the felt experience of pride compared to what we often think it is (Atlas of the Heart ). She shares that “Hubris is an inflated sense of one’s own innate abilities that is tied more to the need for dominance than to actual accomplishments”. Feeling an actual sense of accomplishment is healthy, perhaps even inoculating against the need for comparison.
Check-point: Do I allow myself to just feel proud for the hard work/outcome or can I only feel good when I’ve “won” the comparison game?
#3) Having Strong Opinions: We can all think of a time where someone in our life could not see past their own opinion. Being intellectually honest and open to feedback does not mean we don’t have strong opinions. In fact, this can be a good sign that you do not need constant input and approval from others. If you have the ability to hear tough things from someone whom you trust, and has earned the right to input in your life, chances are you are not a narcissist.
Reflection point: How can I be open and curious to learn from people around me, even if I am often in a position of thought leadership (parenting, management, etc.)?
