There is a lot of anger in the world and so we think there are a lot of angry people. Many people come to counseling because of anger and then they stall out, because no one really wants to talk about it or admit how angry they feel. The shame load around anger, the recognition of how hurtful it is, can stop us from perhaps the most important step in resolving anger: getting to know anger.
Anger starts with a purpose:
If I asked you what the “job” of anger is, you would probably look at me cross-eyed. Unless you specifically are coming to the rescue of someone in danger, or fighting a bear, we often find it hard to imagine that anger has a job. This is for good reason because anger taking control of us usually results in damage. It might be damage to a relationship or even damage to property, anger is loud and powerful and a little scary.
Anger functions in a couple useful ways. Anger operates to ensure we overcome frustration or danger that stand between us and our “goals”. If that goal is completing college, we might become frustrated by difficult homework, bad grades, difficulty concentrating, unpredictable teachers…. You see how this might go. If our goal is to find a life partner and feel safe and loved, it would follow that anger would show up when we encounter barriers or hurts in that process.
What anger can’t do is decide what goals are aligned with our values. If we have set up unreasonable goals, or goals that hurt others, our anger will fail to consider others and become toxic and dangerous.However, there are basic human needs and rights that anger guards for us. Seeing someone bullied or hurt should in fact evoke a sense of anger, this is protective for ourselves and for others and moves us to action. Sometimes anger helps us take the most difficult actions, those that require sacrifice and danger. This is why it is so powerful.
Anger is a primary feeling, not a behavior:
Since anger is a feeling, it operates like other feelings. These are emotional states that course through our body, often come without warning and exist inside us no matter the moral state of our life. They are biological and spiritual. They also stand very separate from our choice and action. The same emotion can create entirely different responses for people. It is not accurate to say “anger made me do it”. What really happened is we began acting without thought and intention. This is another reason that we have so much shame around anger, we often make really terrible choices under it’s influence. Damages that sometimes can’t be recovered.
Anger will go somewhere:
Looking at the pattern of responses when we are angry we can start to see if we tend to act out on others or if we “internalize”, or become angry at ourselves. Often it can feel “safer” to hide anger or pretend it’s not there. The problem with emotions that are ignored is they ripen, they stink and they start to pervade our overall life more than if they had simply been aired and acknowledged at the time they showed up.
The ultimate challenge is living a life of intention that means anger comes as a visitor, not a roommate. If we seek to understand what is making us angry, to decide what our options are (action or acceptance) and commit to taking those steps, anger will come and it will go. It can blow through us with less damage. When we hold onto the feeling, it can settle into a grudge, jealousy or other persistent experiences that crowd out our joy and our peace. Committing to our values means we don’t live out of a state of anger; we listen, we find the source and we take that information and move forward.
Managing anger does not mean ignoring it:
The key to a “fresh” and honest relationship with anger is determining the power it has in our life. As an advisor, it can clue us into possible toxic and frustrating relationships. It might help us recognize boundaries we need to set with other people. It might even clue us in that if we don’t get more sleep, our world-as-we-know-it is in jeopardy. Just like chronic pain, we need to give it attention and find out what thoughts or needs need some adjustment in our life.
Advisor is so much different than “boss”. We are not dictated to act or live in a state of anger. It is present to motivate or communicate with us internal needs and wants that could otherwise be ignored. The great news is the work done to resolve or understand the root of anger means we are put back in charge and find ourselves free to feel other things.
In the short-term, anger management means taking specific steps to halt the damage anger might be having in our life. Stopping ourselves from acting under it’s influence, saying no to situations that put us over the edge—these can be critical and life-saving. In the long-run, you should know your anger well enough to accept it, allow it and move around it as needed. For some it will become a smaller part of their life; for others, it might actually be they are allowed to feel anger in its pure form rather than distortions and coping that twist and wind through all areas of their life. The great thing is that truth and honesty lead to freedom, this includes our relationship with anger.
