Imagine it’s the middle of December, and you suddenly catch the scent of freshly baked gingerbread cookies. Instantly, you’re transported back to your childhood, helping your family decorate cookies around the kitchen table while holiday music played in the background. The warmth, laughter, and love you felt during those moments make you smile, even years later.
This emotional reaction is nostalgia — a bittersweet feeling that blends happiness from cherished memories with a longing to experience them again.
Nostalgia can also be uncomfortable. For someone who has experienced loss or more difficulty than joy, eliciting longing is uncomfortable, maybe even unacceptable. To let in the happy memories or even to open our imagination to the way things used to be can bring up the grief and sadness that comes along with loss. Sometimes the things that used to bring us joy feel painful because they carry a different meaning now.
For that very reason, holidays can offer opportunity for active grieving and healing losses and dreams. This is not to invent artificial emotions or place happiness into a wrapped box, that never works. Let’s explore some real gifts the holidays bring for us if we look for them, things that add meaning to our life.
Get to Know Yourself
Start by being honest about your feelings. It is expected and normal to have mixed feelings during the holidays. There shouldn’t be any pressure, frustration or guilt if you are having emotions that don’t seem to match or are different than people around you. Some people might feel guilty about being happy, others might feel badly that they are sad.
Stifling feelings can become a bad habit that disconnects us from what is important in our life. The only way you will know when it is time to celebrate or to mourn is by recognizing the emotional signals going off inside you. Tuning them out doesn’t just turn off pain, it reduces our ability to feel joy.
Take Inventory of Traditions
Recognizing that emotions are powerful at the holidays and that they may change every year, you may want to take a look at what you value keeping in your life. While there can be sadness at reminders of the past, they may be a valuable opportunity to feel connected with that past.
It’s okay to decline events if you’re not up to them. Prioritize self-care and avoid over-committing. Recognize that you have a limited amount of time and emotional energy for the holidays can give freedom. Freedom to skip a party that is unnecessary and invest in a new memory that you need badly. Freedom to gently honor familiar traditions when they offer comfort, or let them go when they do not. A freedom to come back to lost traditions. Freedom to create something new, helping you honor a loved one or an important transition in your life.
Share Memories
The holiday nostalgia is an opportunity to remember and to share those memories. Give yourself permission to talk about your loved ones with family and friends. Sharing stories can be healing for you and for those grieving keep their memory alive. Looking through old pictures, asking others what they remember—these can help us feel a sense of connection with ourselves and with the people we have shared time with. Even those who are not particularly nostalgic may find themselves enjoying a few walks down memory lane. Laughing at the crazy adventures or even the things gone wrong can be healing.
If shedding a few tears or feeling sad seems to stop you from sharing, remember that is often just part of the memories and comes with the territory. It can be good to recognize who is your audience; sharing with family that knew someone can be very different than a co-worker who did not know them. Friends may not bring up memories that they are unsure about, so it may be up to you when you are ready.
Reach out for Support
Finding yourself feeling Grinchy or overwhelmed may be your reminder to lean on friends, family, or a join a holiday support group. Rather than pushing yourself to attend, if feelings are to raw or overwhelming it can be important to have a dedicated place to vent or recognize how hard the holidays are. This might just be the year you need to take a pass, but don’t let that prevent you from connection or even push you to isolate.
It may be that speaking with a therapist or counselor for professional guidance during the holidays can help you keep perspective and patience with yourself during a season that can feel emotionally demanding. Random memories or pains may emerge this time of year and any of that is fair game to bring to counseling.
Volunteer or give back
Part of our healing is when we can look outward and again see possible connection with the world around us. Consider volunteering or connecting with an organization that gives back during the holidays. Helping others can provide a sense of purpose and connection, offering comfort during tough times. Start with something small and gauge your emotional energy for more. Not all volunteering is created equal and somethings may be triggering or feel hard, even if they would be rewarding.
Honor Important Losses
Some of the crafty elements of the holidays open us to creative expression and an opportunity to honor things that feel important. You might find a holiday ornament honoring an important memory to be just the thing. Write a letter to a loved one or building a scrapbook can be other ways to help them feel remembered and closer during the holiday time. Cooking important family recipes or favorite foods from times past can also memorialize an important person or memory.
What’s great about nostalgia is that we do not have to stay in the past or refuse to try new things. But humans need to make meaning of their experiences, which comes from telling our stories, choosing what to bring forward and what to leave in the past. Embracing the pain of nostalgia can bring us closer to pains that we try to ignore. And we are so much better for the remembering.
Happy Holidays to you and your family, whether it be large or small.
