Trauma isn’t just a popular word, it’s a real thing that happens to a lot of people. It also refers to many different experiences and one type of trauma can be very different than another. Sometimes it can be a single life event that changes our ability to cope. Another type of trauma involves intentional, relational betrayal of trust. This type of trauma has the greatest impact on children and caregiver relationships, often including abuse or neglect.
Childhood relational trauma creates a shaky foundation for managing the rest of life’s storms and often winds up creating ongoing symptoms for individuals even into adulthood. This is what we call complex trauma.
So where do you start with counseling when the “cause” of your hurt is an older wound? The layers of hurt run deep, often causing pain that seems to have to clear source. Because there can be so many areas of your life impacted by these early experiences, a good starting place is to realize how the trauma is impacting you currently.
We can find the pain of complex trauma impacts the physical health of the brain and the body. Living caught in a stress cycle, especially during years when the brain and body are developing and growing, has clear consequences. Some indications are sensitivity to sounds, smells and textures. Chronic pain and fatigue are other ways the body expresses it’s overstimulation from stress.
Relationships are another area that can suffer from the effects of complex trauma. Everything a child needs to know about trust and intimacy in relationships comes from their early connection with a caregiver. Betrayal and neglect in that relationship creates huge deficits and maladaptive responses intended to help us survive. The parts of the brain specializing in emotional reactivity become stronger and the parts of the brain that help regulate weaker. We can become chronically unable to regulate our feelings in relationships, find it impossible to know who to trust and even begin to accept relationships that confirm our deepest fears about ourselves.
Another potential impact of complex trauma is on our concentration and ability to be present in our bodies. The fancy term for this can be “dissociation” and happens more often than many of us recognize. Rather than being present and in pain, sometimes traumatic stress will create a pattern of mentally disengaging for relief. The challenges with this can’t be understated; it’s more than being distracted in relationships, if we start numbing pain then we no longer recognize the value of pain. Self-harm, suicidality, and drug abuse can be outcomes of trying to find the experience of emotion again. Sadly, these don’t offer any more emotional control. The sense of “managing” emotion is an illusion that can lead to situations of additional trauma and abuse.
Start with Safety
While you may have a lot of emotions and thoughts to cover in therapy, often counseling is going to focus on making sure you are safe and that the emotions and coping you are using don’t facilitate more damage. Sometimes attending to the immediate needs can feel so “surface”, but an experienced counselor will know that you are unable to work in the depths if you are in immediate risk. Patience with yourself and with the process is important. Getting down to the heart of certain things will take some times.
Coping skills
Another suprising aspect of trauma therapy is actually working on building healthy habits for responding to stress and emotions. It might seem impossible that small changes will add up when the hurt is so large, but building routines, relationships and life goals all rest on regulated emotions. Emotions that run our life make it impossible to work towards any goal.
Tackling the guilt and shame
Being honest with ourselves and our therapist are also key moments in trauma therapy. Complex trauma creates deep shame and even seeking support can feel like admitting that the bottom can drop out at any time. Good news, talking about the scary things only bring them out of the shadows. It is in daylight that we feel confident and capable of knowing the things that haunt us. Trauma therapy is always about re-building a healthier way of viewing ourselves. It reminds us that we have choices. It reminds us that we are more than victims. It helps us understand what happened and decide what is ours and what is someone else. These are things that get confusing in the quiet of our own thoughts. Allowing another person to sit with us as we face the past is anchor to ensure that we come back stronger.
Creating a plan for the future
While trauma therapy recognizes the power of the past, it also should open doors to the future. Complex- trauma by nature makes it difficult to realistically see our future. As we piece back together the reality of who we are, what we are capable of—inevitably we should feel more hopeful and in control of our futures. It is scary to move into a future that we don’t know; but knowing our strengths and our resources, we start to show up and live our life.
As you meet with your therapist and explore goals for therapy, you may find that one the areas in life the trauma continues to impact on the daily. This can be a good long-term goal to set, recognizing that there may be some basic skills and simple adjustments in thinking that need to happen before you are ready to tackle the past. And sometimes those shadows wind up melting as we take away their power in our lives.
If you or someone you know is struggling with complex trauma, they may benefit from professional support. Please reach out for more information.
