In the intricate dance of human relationships, boundaries often emerge as an area of challenge. We may know they are important and still have difficulty understanding what they really look like. Learning to define these invisible lines is important to our emotional, physical, and mental space. They help us create intention for our interactions and what we tolerate and expect in our relationships.
Boundaries address the constant tension between what is “mine” and what is “yours”. That might sound like a sibling dispute over toys, but it extends deeply into our sense of freedom and control. Relationships demand more than toys, we often find ourselves negotiating values, identity, choices and control. The good news, ultimately your life, body and choices are your own. But sometimes we get into situations where we give away our freedom or try and take over for someone else.
Why would we give up our basic rights, you ask? Often situations that have us feeling helpless or out of control cause us to re-negotiate ownership of our lives. If we struggle with addiction, inability to solve our own problems, or even gain the love we crave—boundaries blur. Without knowing it we can talk ourselves into believing there is another way to get what we need.
- Controlling others ensures they will not let us down
- Guilt or neediness demands love rather than accepting it as a gift
- Helplessness calls for rescue when we can’t get around the dark, impossible moments in our life
- Addictive processes take over self-control
It can feel lonely or overwhelming to feel responsible, but ultimately that is a gift. It is a gift to make our own mistakes. It is a gift to choose something simply because we value it. It is a gift to pilot the direction of our lives.
Another privilege is choosing to speak, to believe, or to stand for what we see as valuable and good. Confrontation, asking for change, setting limits on certain actions, even forgiveness—these are gifts guard against hurt and pain in our life.
Nothing about this should sound easy. In fact, you may even have a stronger sense of why we struggle to hold boundaries. Compromise or avoiding conflict are less painful in the short-run; in the final chapter, there is loss and grief if we chose to ‘rent’ our life.
Counseling can be a valuable place to understand our own motivations and needs and where we lose ourselves to reach them. The skills of setting boundaries include having calm confidence, recognizing the danger is not in the other person’s reaction and the bravery to weather the emotional tension around making change.
It can feel at first that there is a loser, a judgement or a selfishness around boundaries. Strangely, clarifying boundaries creates respect and freedom for both people involved. Setting a boundary is separate from the value we place on a person; it is more about the value we place on owning our own emotions, values and efforts rather than someone carrying burdens that are not their own.
It is much easier for humans to miss the choice-consequence connection when boundaries are blurred. We get stuck in blame or apathy. Owning our own “things” gives us clarity on the outcome of our choices, the costs, the rewards—talk about motivation.
Surrounding yourself with people who respect you and model clear boundaries is a great place to start. Counseling can be helpful to further grow your self-awareness, communication skills, and assertiveness. Boundaries are about regaining control and responsibility for our own life and a beautiful gift.
