Boundaries are the rules we set within relationships for how we will interact with others. While these have always remained a mystery for teens who are growing into their own social experiences and independent relationships, social media creates additional layers of unspoken demands and expectations. So what is relevant in creating healthy relationships on social media? Is everything different or are there principles that are still useful? How can outsiders (aka. Adults) give relevant input?
True friendship remains the same
While the culture of communication and social expectations shift, the core of trust and friendship remain the same. Friends care about our world, they share time and emotional energy and they accept you for who you are. Not to mention they enjoy you. The deep understanding of how trust is built and what constitutes a good friend is perhaps a lifelong journey. The more friendships you experience, the more experience we can have at recognizing and valuing good friendship.
Expectations are not the same
Research and anecdote alike show that the expectations that social media produces in a relationship are connected with the immediacy, the quantity and the demand for social information. Feelings and events are expected to be shared. Responses are expected to be given. Greater quantities of relationships require maintenance, think networking on a large scale. Not responding speaks another message. Research shows direct anxiety connected with the fact that “read receipts” create an even more intense timeline to choose a response. If a response is missing or slow, all that data adds to the readers interpretation. While the connection and needs of friendship may be similar, expressing caring and concern are now intricately tied to the speed/quality/humor/etc. with which you answer a message.
Helping a teen recognize the pressure and intensity can be a good long-term goal, but their context and current culture may make it feel impossible to just “step away” from stressful interactions. Learning healthy boundaries will require careful understanding of the many ways that pressure shows up for teens.
Face-time can help
Research consensus is that over 3 hours a day on social media creates significant health issues, both physically and for mental and social well-being. It is also true teens find their social media and chat programs to be lifelines, helping them connect with friends in good and bad times. Recognizing overuse parents might remove privileges or threaten to. A more helpful approach is to recognize that social connection is the real goal. Trading online time for real connection may take more work both for the family and the teen. And it’s always the better choice. Online options can work much like a phone call, a fine way to make plans, but encouraging life lived in real-time can be more valuable than simply forcing reduced time online.
The body doesn’t lie
The physical needs for movement, sunshine, fresh air—these are true north when evaluating the impact of time on social media. Electronic devices offer so many different tools, functions and entertainments that it is difficult by looking to know what a person might be involved with. Having open dialogue with teens about the quantity and quality of their social media requires openness and willingness to listen. Helping the teen treat their body well and helping them learn boundaries around usage is a valuable life skill. Learning about how they spend their time remains valuable to having collaborative conversations rather than attempting to control usage externally. Adults may still make suggested changes that teens resist, but hearing their concerns and sharing legitimate concerns will have more impact.
Respect and discernment
Life experience is not nothing. Parents are often aware of changes and shifts in their teens even from a distance. Having respect for the growing independence of a teen can be anchored in the realization that good parenting is always valuable. There may be many things to learn about social media, perhaps with the guidance of an annoyed teen or pre-teen. The willingness to entertain the conversation, to learn something along the way, contributes to building greater mutual respect. Having an opportunity to recognizing where the teen is thinking and making difficult choices, seeing the impasse of certain social situations and encouraging them to find their own solutions–this is empowering them to take control of a future only they can navigate. The skills they are building may be imperfect, but they are the foundation of a life that will continue to require complicated decisions.
Inter-generational conversations have always been a challenge, each generation seeking new ways of thinking about the old problems. With a partnership maybe we can find a way forward that honors real connection even in a world that is hyper-connected.
