Like most holidays, there is a shadow moment that Mother’s day can bring. There can never be enough recognition for the love, sacrifice and nurture of a committed mother. And motherhood is a role much bigger than the limits of genetics, pregnancy or even life. As much as a mother loves, she also grieves.
One of the greatest unspoken burdens for women is perinatal child loss. It’s estimated over a million children are lost to either miscarriage or stillbirth each year in the United States (CDC, 2021). That works out to be between 10-20% of pregnancies. This is common and yet often lives as a silent and terrifying reality, never spoken or given name.
I recently heard an amazing definition of grief. That grief equals love. We never get over that love; we simply weather the pain of the loss until it becomes bearable. We work to look back on the joy of having love, rather than the agony of separation. So what does this mean for a life that had yet to start? For the expectations of motherhood unfulfilled?
The experience of losing an unborn child is a real and painful loss. Within the first year following loss, women are more likely to experience anxiety, depression and even post-traumatic stress disorder (Diaz-Perez,E. et al, 2023). The deeper the grief, the more likely the experience will take roots as a traumatic event. Much of this is because there are few avenues for recognizing the loss, societal pressures on the mother to return to “normal” or to accept the loss as a part of life.
It is important to note that this loss also impacts the mother’s partner. In some situations it may be equally hard for the partner who has been on the journey of hope and expectation, even without the deep physical connection that is between mother and child. One study evaluatedpartners and mothers grief as they left the hospital and again a month later, noting no differences between the mother and the partner in their initial experience of grief. (Delgado, L, et al, 2023).
We all know that grief is unpredictable and there is no timeline, yet even major educators and supports for women indicate that they can return to work “as soon as they feel able” physically. That’s it. Back to life. No happy story to share, baby shower gifts or paint chips to sort and a sense that life has to continue.
Ambigious loss, such as perinatal loss, may differ for each person and still it is most important that as a culture we create meaning and comfort for those in the tribe who are missing the invisible.
Don’t be afraid to bring it up: While families experiencing loss may not be ready to talk, it is important they know you care and recognize this difficult event in their life. Letting them know you are there if they need to talk can be comforting and supportive.
Ask what they need: Find out if there is anything you can offer. And offer again. If it means moral support or even bringing food, the little things may make the most difference. If they don’t know, get practical and take a guess what might be supportive.
Memorial and remembrance: Individuals and families may not include the greater community in their mourning, but finding some way to talk about the loss and memorialize it is helpful for the entire family. Making it less, or trying to minimize it is not helpful. Recognizing the pain is not “giving in” or creating more grief; it is real and deserves real attention.
Infertility: Mother’s Day can also be hard for those who have not had the chance to build the family they wanted. Making sure to include all women in celebrations can heal those quiet wounds and recognize the value of nurturing in the community, the power of women in tribe.
So Happy Mother’s Day to everyone. Aunts, bonus-moms, sister-moms, Godmothers and adoptive mothers. Thank you all for your big heart and the powerful influence you bring to the world.
