We don’t all have to love small talk, be extroverted or even exude confidence. However, there is research showing that the “soft skills” involved in what we call Emotional Intelligence can actually be measured in tangible ways, like increased capacity for earning. In fact, a lot of large companies and coaches are making money helping businesses become more “people focused” and to support their employees building interpersonal skills. This is because they have tracked earnings; working well with people pays off. Not to mention that we are social creatures who endure hardship and difficulty usually through our network and connection with others.
It might seem that we are all either born with social and emotional savvy or we stumble through. The more certain skills are analyzed and understood, there is much to be said for someone willing to learn these skills. Rather than seeing certain personalities as weak in certain areas, it appears we all have an equal opportunity to observe and practice these skills.
Emotional Intelligence (EQ) is defined as “the ability to manage your own emotion” (whoo, tough one) and “understand the emotions of people around you”. So what we are saying is that the ooey-gooey “emotions” world is not irrelevant; it is an important skillset that humans either develop or don’t.
There are micro-skills or different capacities that add up to overall EQ. The words are familiar to most of us and might also be a little mysterious as to what they actually involve. Reading this list you will no doubt find things that you do well and question marks, does that describe you on your best day? How consistent or fluent are you in these areas? One great strategy is to identify the mystery categories or skills that you really aren’t familiar with and begin exploring. Or perhaps ones you’ve had problems with, feedback at work about. Let’s get started on improving your EQ.
Self-Awareness
Here you go! Just by being willing to look through this list of skills you are starting the journey of self-awareness. This is one that we can have some difficulty measuring. Most of us think that we know our emotions, or understand the things that upset us. Spending time reflecting on your experience and the situations that brought up those feelings is a common practice of self-awareness. Sometimes meeting with a counselor or an honest friend can help this reflection be more helpful, depending on how easily your dismiss or get stuck in negative emotions.
Stress-Management
While the idea of “work-life balance” seems to be getting cancelled, practicing regular relaxation and seeking support when we are at our limits are healthy signs. Managing stress does not mean shutting everyone out or choosing to muscle through. We can only go on so long before this causes emotional “leakage” into other areas, including anger, difficulty sleeping, health issues, etc.
Self-Regulation
If we have any question if we are able to regulate emotions well, ask the people who live and work with us daily. Are we able to manage impulsive or exaggerated emotional responses? Are we generally calm? If these don’t apply, we may need to set specific goals to reduce stress or commit to finding better ways to cope with stress. Assuming everyone is stressed or that stress is necessary can make us blind to the physical and mental impact it has on us.
Adaptability
This one can feel a bit like it is personality related. However, working to enhance our willingness to accept change and adjust to new situations is a key EQ skill. Staying open to feedback is another helpful way to remain adaptable. If we can’t hear alternate opinions or suggestions of change how will we meet that change and adjust in a healthy way? Too much time spent in chaos can create resistance to healthy change and we might justify our boundaries as healthy protection. Think small changes vs. large. New ways of communicating might be worth exploring, not moving to another state for a position that doesn’t suite us.
Motivation
Isn’t motivation a feeling, you ask? Either you feel it or you don’t? Sorry to say, motivation is more often a mindset or discipline. What goals are actually important to you? What do you need to do to stay focused on those? What steps do you need to take? Most of all, do you have an attitude of positivity to grease the wheels on the tough days? While general mental health and wellness can greatly impact our ability to focus and generate positive attitude, growth mindset is a decision that ultimately benefits our mental health.
Communication
Communication is more work than it often appears at first glance. If we expect everyone to understand us immediately or communicate in the same ways we do, we will fail to give the attention and care to good communication. Active listening is perhaps the greatest single skill with people, except possibly smiling at them. Expressing our emotions appropriately (think context and intensity) as well as being able to hear feedback without defensive responses are also valuable skills to practice.
Teamwork
If you are not a leader, you might wonder what impact you can have on a team. A lot. A team is literally made of members combine contribution. Supporting each other, willingness to collaborate and celebrating success are ways to build a team. Many people find this difficult to learn when they feel intense responsibility for their own outcomes at work and in life. Starting with a pickleball team might not be a bad place to begin. Then how can you take that energy into family and into work; big tasks sure get easier when we operate as teams.
Stay tuned for part II.
