Maybe you don’t feel isolated. Perhaps you just wonder why friendships seem to be so much work and why it’s easier to find an online date than a true friend. I can’t deny that echoes many conversations I have had recently, validating how we all feel a little disconnected and frustrated with modern friendship. What if shifting our view of what is needed and expected in friendship could in turn open both ourselves and the possibilities of connection?
One barrier in connection can be looking for someone who mirrors you. If you are uncomfortable spending time with others who have differing opinions you are eliminating a lot of potential friendships. Two key values of friendships are affection and validation and surprisingly that can happen within a relationship where two people do not agree on everything. I am not proposing arguments and a lack of empathy should be prized or even tolerated within friendship, but having an honest answer and difference of opinion can be an incredible strength. This doesn’t mean feeling constantly persuaded to someone else’s viewpoint. What if hearing different perspectives could bring us into a more honest and humble space of our own making?
Another area of weakness for many, setting boundaries, can limit the friendship building process. Friendship takes persistence. Period. Time spent together is foundational. Getting to that time something that requires negotiating your schedule, your priorities and your feelings. Learning to accept failed plans, have appropriate expectations for the friendships or even create the time to pursue friendships—these are the skills of boundaries. When we stop being afraid of “no” then we can have space for the things we say we want, like connection.
Ultimately you will need to be vulnerable to build strong friendships. Perhaps your history with friendships includes hurt and rejection making you cautious about investing. That sort of history can give you fabulous clarity about what you want in a friendship. You do not have to remain loyal to situations that take more than they give. Perhaps the only friend-potentials are setting off your radar for an unhealthy situation. Great. You have the power to step back at any time. While that can feel like a ‘bad’ friend quality, it is a strength to be cautious and not over-invest when you are not feeling confident about a person. Stay tuned into this need so that you recognize the person you can be vulnerable with.
Most of all, we must offer the things we are seeking. We must be willing to listen when it is hard, to bring positivity to someone’s life and to be vulnerable if that is what we ask. Here’s to each of us, moving towards friendship as we become less afraid and critical of the humans around us.
