Any childhood treatment of anxiety should look at the context of things. The age of the child might mean a fear is fairly normal, perhaps they can “outgrow” it. The situation if of course relevant. Being afraid of school after a bullying incident makes perfect sense. Struggling with certain types of anxiety might also reflect both the genetics and the parenting involved.
For certain types of anxiety there is a greater genetic component and higher likelihood that a family history might confirm a child’s tendency to develop anxiety. Even so, the environment is the greatest factor for anxiety disorders. And parenting is an environmental factor. So what things increase anxiety for kids and what are the most helpful things a parent can do? Let’s explore some key areas of parenting that can impact a child’s anxiety.
Safety Lessons
Parenting 101 means teaching kiddos what is safe and not safe. While some things bring a natural fear response, say bears and most large animals, other things are confusing for a child. We walk on sidewalks, but the road is unsafe? Depending on the child’s age, learning this distinction is tricky. We hold their hand, we watch them, and then we simply remind them before they go out alone with friends. The progression of learning safety is partially about age, but it’s also about how a parents sees the world.
Fair enough, some neighborhoods are never really safe for unsupervised kids. Strangers are not something we want kids to “learn” on their own. So how do we encourage a child to grow into new situations and explore the world if we shut off opportunity? Opportunity to discern, to seek safety, to navigate an imperfect world: these are needed lessons that create confidence, the opposite of anxiety.
First, make sure when you caution your child that it is age appropriate. Scaring a child with a fact they can’t fully understand, say gun violence for a preschooler, does not help them to be more safe. Teaching them the importance of what adults are safe, or the more likely and real dangers in their world, these are helpful. Running around the pool is a simple and important rule. Treating it as important teaches appropriate anxiety for a real danger.
Second, the words we use are powerful. Even when a child doesn’t fully understand what a parent is afraid of, they pick up on the concerns a parent has about being around certain people and situations. Studies in social learning and fear from psychologist Cosima Nimphy show us that a parent simply saying something positive or negative about a person pre-disposes their child to feel anxious or on alert around that person. This explains a lot of distress that can happen during a divorce. Perhaps your words are building anxiety when you only meant to express frustration or even facts. Children are wired to learn from their parents and while it seems they don’t always listen, the words we use increase their watchfulness and reactivity to people and places that would normally feel safe. Choose your words wisely.
Non-verbal Responses
Perhaps a more obvious way parents activate fear is with their own fear response. This is very helpful in situations where a child is in danger and needs the urgency of their parent to capture their attention. However, what about the less-than-urgent situations? Going on a rollercoaster might not be a parents favorite thing. Their reticence to get on the ride, the quietness and grimace on their face, all this might generate fear in a child that would otherwise enjoy the thrill.
A couple ways to combat this; one, practice your reactions around your kids and second, verbalize that your experience is not universal. Allowing a sibling or partner with a different experience to take the lead might help the child explore without being inhibited by your fears. Stating aloud that some people enjoy and some people dislike something (if it is NOT actually inherently dangerous) allows choice and helps them tune into their own experience.
Comfort and Nurturing Fear
This is highly connected to the last point about actually nurturing fear rather than comforting your child. When we are on guard we can be hypervigilant about our child feeling fear. Mirroring this experience, amplifying it and especially rescuing your child from something that is not dangerous teaches them the fear is right. A reaction is uncomfortable, but it is not the same as actually being in danger.
The stereotypical example would be a parent pushing a child to do something that makes them nervous and another parent trying to rescue them, insisting they are terrified and that they shouldn’t be made to do anything. The ideal response is more in the middle.
Supporting the child’s curiosity and bravery does not mean forcing an issue. Neither does helping a child feel safe require avoiding things that make them nervous. Stay tuned to a kids desire to try something and also validate their ability to recover when they were nervous. Believing they can make it through, is a great starting point. Often to our surprise, a child’s nervousness about a school play might in fact disappear once they are in the middle of their friends. It can be all smiles afterwards, no memory of the nerves.
If a child’s worry persists to the point of stopping them from daily life and growth, such as socializing, eating, sleeping or succeeding at school, it may be worth getting additional support. Play therapy works well for ages 4-8 and cognitive behavioral or narrative play therapy can help 8-10 year olds, without requiring they talk through their problems. Parental support may be key to helping you become a coach rather than a referee for your childs fears. For support, reach out today.
