Maybe you are a person who puts mind over matter. That’s how you get things done. Just because something is hard, you don’t give up.
While it is important and even admirable to use willpower to manage emotion, there are times where individuals and groups start to reject any negative emotion or experience as a threat. This can be called toxic positivity or toxic optimism. The idea is to “be positive no matter what”.
Let’s try this on for size. You’ve had a bad day at work and you call a friend to go out for dinner. During dinner you share some frustrations and they come back with a smile, “I know you are going to get through this. It’s probably not that bad”. Angry yet? How long would you be friends with someone who didn’t seem to understand what you needed? You probably needed empathy, some sharing of the frustration much more than you needed positivity.
Encouragement and positivity become toxic or unhealthy when they become a strict rule that overrides a person’s actual experience and needs. Sometimes a positive perspective gives us a sense of hopefulness and solutions. The problem comes when institutions, organizations and people in our life consistently deny any negative experience or reject authentic expression.
Toxic positivity looks and sounds like minimizing something that is actually very difficult. What might normally be encouraging rings very dismissive and out-of-touch. A phrase can be encouraging when you miss an important phone call would ring very hollow if shared when you lose a job you loved.
“Well, it could be worse, right?”
“You’ll get through it”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
Learning to “suck it up” or attempting to be cheerful during what should be a difficult time is a way of coping with emotions that has a lot of consequences for your mental and even physical health. Emotions gone underground often become stronger and harder to manage, cause you to be in-authentic and ultimately distanced from others and even to feel negatively about yourself. When we learn to tune in to how we feel during negative times it actually increases our compassion for ourselves and for others around us. We have more to offer coming from authentic understanding than pithy optimism.
One great first step to reversing toxic positivity is to actually listen and ask questions when someone is sharing how they are. Remembering that you do not have to answer them or fix the problem can help you slow down and listen. You might offer some validation like, “ That sounds hard,” or “I understand why you are upset, I would be too.”
The more we each become comfortable as individuals with ups and downs we can impact the genuine connections in our workplace, community and families. We can offer the connection of true compassion versus eternal optimism. We can hear the things that sound true and helpful as opposed to things that sound hollow and artificial. This can have a ripple effect, helping create safety where others may feel very isolated and alone.
This same process happens internally: so practicing with yourself will help you extend this to others. Give yourself time to recognize when you have been hurt or upset and recognize that is a normal response to a difficulty of life. Feeling badly does not mean a situation is out of control, impossible or even that you are failing to do something right. Life brings times of frustration and anger and overwhelm. When we start to accept this experience it becomes easier to move through it.
