Trauma-bonding has become a popular psychological term we use to explain feeling stuck in an unhealthy relationship. But are we all trauma-bonded when we are stuck in a toxic relationship? This idea of being “bonded” or connected with someone who is hurtful really resonates for a lot of people. There are shades of difference between a toxic and abusive relationship that can completely change how difficult it may be to leave a situation.
Trauma-bonding is defined by a specific an emotional attachment found when a relationship demonstrates two specific features of abuse: an imbalance of power and intermittent good/bad
treatment. These two features of a relationship do more than confuse our feelings for a person, they have been shown to create an abusive trap.
An imbalance of power can refer to the perceived status between two individuals or even an institution and an individual. Feeling connected to another person or cause greater than ourselves can empower us, but when that relationship becomes abusive it results in a greater chance that we will feel powerless to make change. In the extreme example of cults, a person can believe that the organization/leader is so powerful they know every action or attempt to leave before it occurs.
The concept of an abuse “cycle” comes from the incredible power that inconsistent treatment has on our psyche. Within a toxic relationship we may feel confused or unmotivated about distancing a person when they alternate between friendly and dismissive: intensify that confusion when the behaviors are distinctly harmful and demeaning as in the case of emotional/physical abuse. Simply the removal of horrible treatment creates such relief that it can be confused for hope, a deadly cocktail of denial and increasing tolerance for abusive treatment.
Here is where the trap closes: our survival response to extremely uncomfortable treatment can cause us to forget the past, have difficulty predicting future behaviors and to regularly ignore our instinctual emotional responses. In essence, the abuse cycle is a spiral that pulls us further from the edges of reality where life exists without abuse.
What can we take from this to apply to our unhealthy relationships? The pattern of accepting
inconsistent behavior, treatment that does not align with our values, can confuse the strongest person. It is not about psychological strength, but about the time spent tolerating the experience that leads us to tolerate more. Practicing healthy boundaries and learning the skills to set those boundaries is a foundational skill-set that will help us manage who and what we tolerate. Helping our friends see when they may be compromising and allowing less-than treatment, giving them permission to speak into our lives, this connection is also important in preventing boundary-blindness.
If you are unsafe or feel trapped in an abusive relationship, there are resources for you to find housing and financial freedom to make healthy choices again. You can text or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800.799.SAFE (7233) or text “START” to 88788.
