It’s interesting how we can sniff out someone’s perfectionism and miss our own. We see someone putting in excessive effort in an area where we wouldn’t or see them pushing for an ideal to their own detriment. For individuals struggling with long-term depression, it might be important to turn that awareness inward and check on the intense expectations that might be perpetuating depression.
Depression is not necessarily caused by striving for “flawlessness”, but there is a special relationship between chronic depression and feeling constantly let down. Sometimes this can bring additional guilt as well as external criticism for failing to just enjoy life or be grateful. That is most definitely an oversimplification of chronic depression. However, gently checking in about how the gears of perfectionism might be fueling depression can be helpful. Especially because chronic depression is often higher functioning, perfectionism adds a layer for it to hide under.
Let’s break it down this way. If depression already makes it hard to see the positive, feel hope and stop blaming yourself for everything, then perfectionism is the mean friend that knows all your secrets in a fight.
Depression reduces motivation; perfectionism says that working harder is the only way.
At first glance, it would seem that knowing how effort leads to outcomes could be helpful during the lows of depression. However, the normally high standards are harder to attain and are less emotionally rewarding during depression. Life can feel pointless and demanding, leading to a cycle of effort and fatigue.
A difficult first step can be to admit that you are depressed. Perfectionism says we need to be fine, that it’s terrifying if we are not able to meet all the demands. Amazingly, embracing our human needs can relieve us to accepting support and even treating ourselves with more compassion. You are not broken, you are human. Your life can have great meaning even if there are times of shadow and darkness. If you continue to push, you may be in that darkness so much longer than you need to.
Depression blocks positive feeling; perfectionism thrives on big outcomes. Breaking the cycle of depression is about finding small pleasures and building on them. Typically a perfectionistic outlook has big visions, big values and a sense of not meeting their life potential if those are not met. No wonder it’s hard to feel “okay”, the comparison is to an emotional outcome that may not even exist.
Throwing out “should” from your vocabulary is a critical life skill at this point. Challenge every assumption. The feelings of sadness, disappointment—they can teach you to be mindful and grateful, but they do not mean you have failed. It is not failure to feel let down, by yourself and others. The sooner you recognize these feelings, then you can begin to rebuild on realistic expectations and set yourself up for success.
Depression says we are failing; perfectionism says no one else cares or does it as well as we do. Sometimes while depression turns blame inward, perfectionism says “hey, they just don’t care and they aren’t helping me”. This is a match made in heaven when we are tired and constantly let down. Let someone else carry some blame!
Unfortunately, refusing imperfect help from others leaves us feeling even more alone. This creates resentment, coming out in irritability, anger and sadness. When we recognize our own struggle, we can value how other humans are also giving imperfectly. It is a beautiful thing when someone shows up for us in their own struggle. This is vulnerability. This is about connection, not about fixing everything. Ironically, when we allow others to show up for us, it does start to fix the feeling of being alone, the sense of no one caring. We can often push this away when we set demands too high for ourselves and it trickles down to those closest to us.
Find some simple pleasures, routines and connections that simply make you feel good about yourself and about your life. Schedule them with intention, don’t wait for a “mood” or ignore them for pressing to-dos. Learn to practice gratitude, verbalize or write down things even if it feels weak at first. Discipline yourself to experience small moments as valuable on their own. We cannot live in the happy moments all day, everyday; but we can see more clearly how life is more than the big moments, more than goals and accomplishments. For better or worse, you will not control life, but choosing how you think about life is always within your control.
