In case you hadn’t noticed, life doesn’t give us everything we want. Much of life is actually learning what limits we can accept and which ones we push past. And these are pretty personal decisions. How do we learn our comfort zones and preferences? When do we practice respecting our own needs and surrounding ourselves with people who show up for them?
We’ve talked about how early connection and developing trust with our parents greatly impacts us. Surprisingly parental limits, or boundaries, are another rich source of learning healthy connection with others. Actions do speak loudly and kids absorb the patterns of give and take they experience with their family at a deep level. Patterns of what we expect and deserve as well as what we are capable of offering come from the unspoken limits (and crossings) that make up relationships. Let’s explore some of these opportunities for learning that show up in families.
Touch and Personal Space
Speaking of sibling frustration and rivalry, early lessons about how far another person can invade our personal space becomes very real. We learn how to advocate for ourselves, stand up for our needs, perhaps even how to enforce our personal boundaries when they are blatantly ignored. Parents hold a unique opportunity to see what needs and strengths their children have in this area. Coaching and guidance on how to express ourselves when we are upset, how to achieve needed space and what are acceptable ways of handling these daily invasions in real-life are invaluable tools. These squabbles and emotional moments are really opportunities.
Cooperative work
Sometimes life demands that we push past the moment and work towards the bigger picture. Required contributions in the home can develop our capability for getting outside ourselves and learning to “citizen”. Key to making this work for the family is allowing feedback, revisiting assignments so that they are both age-appropriate and there is a sense of fairness. Overburdening a child with something beyond their skill creates a sense of failure for everyone. The point is not hard labor, the point is learning how we all have something to offer and how good it feels when everyone pitches in.
Independent thought
A tough one when it comes to parents setting their own limits is recognizing appropriate disagreement. Kids have less ability to manage their emotion and often speak impulsively (and honestly) in a way that is exhausting. Learning when to listen and when to ask your child to take a step back and calm down is a dance. Often as adults we still waltz into arguments without thought, so expecting perfectly calm communication from your child is definitely unrealistic. A family culture that allows calm and respectful disagreement is worth pursuing. It may take negotiation and brainstorming from the whole family as to how to accomplish this so that growing kids begin to see their influence and value as an individual. Ironically, when children are allowed to grow into their voice they find it easier to respect authority.
Resiliency
Parents speaking up for their own limits and needs is a revolutionary idea. We are not talking in the first year of life, we are not talking about oversharing your adult emotions and dating life—but stepping back and saying “I don’t appreciate this [behavior]” or “I know you can do this [hard thing]” can be good for everyone. Can they open the play-doh on their own? Let them try. Let them fail. Let them find a way through some small frustration. If your child is struggling with something that could be within their grasp, don’t take that victory from them. They can learn they are able to tolerate small disappointment, frustration and sadness. This practice should be with things that have limited consequences, nothing that jeopardizes their safety and well being. But letting them flounder in the shallow end while you are cheering gives them the courage for deeper waters.
Generosity
Parents give and give and give. It’s required to keep the tiny human alive for the first months and years of their life. But at a certain point, we all have to start practicing our own generosity and we don’t learn simply by observing. If we have met the basic needs for our child to help them succeed, like rest and affection and structure—we have given them a well to draw from. What opportunities do they have to go outside their comfort zones? This might start with the ultimate challenge of sharing toys. Perhaps it starts to look like learning to play on their own while you complete some work. Maybe sorting old toys and deciding what can be given away. There can be some discomfort for them, it will feel like a sacrifice not to have you available every moment or saying goodbye to an old toy. Giving them the choice to be generous is different than requiring it. They learn that sometimes picking something that feels hard can ultimately feel really great.
Parents who model a balance between connection and independence can find relief from the guilt of having their own needs. We all need that balance of space to breath, to be alone, to struggle just as much as we need time together. That time teaches us how to respect ourselves and how to respect others, kids included. Having open conversations and family meetings can help everyone feel clarity as expectations and responsibilities shift. Modeling negotiation, sacrifice and respect for everyone’s needs are some great gifts for your kids, not to mention a gift to yourself.
