In a world full of self-promotion, it can be surprisingly difficult to actually ask people for what we need and want. That’s because honesty isn’t just about words; it’s a way of living. We may “know” that honest communication leads to more genuine connections, but it can also lead to total dismissal and invalidation. While there is no guarantee how another human will respond to our needs, there are some strategies that help us communicate our needs in more effective ways. Let’s explore the practical, and challenging, reality of truth-telling.
Honesty forms the bedrock of trust in any relationship. Whether it’s with friends, family, colleagues, or romantic partners, when we’re truthful with others, we build credibility and reliability. Without honesty, trust falters, leading to misunderstandings, resentment, and ultimately, the erosion of connections. This means it is both powerful and complicated.
There may be good reasons why you don’t believe honesty works, perhaps you tried and no one was listening. Building honest and connected relationships means we have to take a leap of faith—and responsibility—to share our thoughts, needs and truth. Without this, it is impossible for another human to show up for us in the ways we need most.
Take smart risks; it takes courage to be vulnerable. Honesty requires vulnerability – the willingness to expose our true selves, warts and all. It’s easy to hide behind masks of perfection or self-assurance, but true connection and intimacy only arise when we’re willing to let our guard down and reveal our authentic selves.
The most successful conversations are going to be where trust is already established. We don’t ask strangers to sit by our bedside when we are sick, similarly we should set ourselves up to succeed by sharing in a balanced sustainable way. If you have known someone for years, witnessed them as reliable, opening up to them would be a ‘low-risk’ opportunity to be honest. High risk looks more like confiding in someone whom we don’t know, or someone who has let us down in the past. Courage is built by investing wisely in the people we are vulnerable with. By embracing vulnerability, we invite others to do the same. Seeing this return-on-investment encourages us to go deeper.
Start from a calm and confident place. Sometimes honestly is driven by an important emotional need. Unspoken needs or feelings can generate a lot of emotional steam or even avoidance. Some people require time to develop courage to have open conversations as they commonly avoid them. Others experiencing intense urgency and emotion may need to need to dial things back before they can speak up. Head up, steady gaze and calm tone– this is how we are best heard. It may take time to feel understood but it is worth the effort.
Authentic self-expression isn’t just a vibe. Being honest means staying true to ourselves, even when it’s uncomfortable or challenging. Authentic self-expression requires some knowledge of yourself. Do you know what you value and why it is important to you? Having a calm grasp on the real reason for a conversation helps you stay focused and able to stay on topic. Get some clarity on this before you start the conversation. Don’t over-apologize. Having your own opinion or disagreeing at times can be expected. When we respect differences we all win.
Be straight, no games. This should seem obvious, but often when we approach someone intending to connect and speak truth we will resort to certain “fluffing”. Acting helpless when we are not. Exaggerating. Making excuses. These might be ways you have protected yourself in the past, but they are the opposite of what you seek in an honest conversation. The purpose is not to avoid discomfort, the purpose is for truth.
Own your emotions. Honesty isn’t just about external communication; it’s also about being honest with ourselves. When we deny or suppress our emotions, we create inner turmoil and discord. However, when we confront our feelings with honesty and self-compassion, we pave the way for emotional liberation. Acknowledging our emotions, whether they’re positive or negative, allows us to process them healthily and move forward with clarity and resilience.
Be Fair. A powerful interpersonal effectiveness tool taught in DBT therapy, “Be FAIR” says that you 1) validate your own feelings and wishes and 2) validate the feelings and wishes of the other person. It can be easy to assume that different perspectives and different needs put our truth at a disadvantage. Actually being fair and respectful allows truth from both sides.
Honesty can have a ripple effect. The impact of honesty extends far beyond individual relationships; it shapes families, workplaces and cultures. When honesty prevails, bigger systems can operate with greater integrity, accountability and fairness. Conversely, when dishonesty flourishes, corruption, deceit, and injustice take root, undermining our ability to live in cooperation or even safety. It can seem like your truth may not change much, but it is a powerful way to protect your emotional health and prevent abuses. It is when we have named the injustice that change starts to grow.
In a world inundated with falsehoods and half-truths, honesty emerges as a rare and precious gift. Embracing honesty in our interactions with others and ourselves, we cultivate trust, authenticity, and emotional resilience. Committing to a kind heart and a strong voice is one powerful way to bring healing into your relationships and maybe into the legacy you leave in your corner of the world.
