In recent years the world of counseling and psychology is exploring the power of the body in the psychological experience. This is not really a frontier, the distinction of body and mind are newer ideas we use to categorize the human experience. When it comes to health outcomes, even the medical world agrees; the body and the mind are inseparable.
For example, after a traumatic event, specifically in childhood, the prevalence of health issues, mental health vulnerability and even shortened-life span increase. This doesn’t mean we are destined for difficulty, this is more a reminder that walking away from something hard may not be enough; there may be residue in our body and mind that we need to address.
How do I know if I am having a “trauma-response”?
While your response to an event can be completely unique, there are some fairly predictable ways that scary, threatening, or dangerous situations impact us. The true definition of traumatic stress is something that overwhelmed our ability to cope. Natural disaster, abuse, sudden loss or death of a loved one, or our own childhood neglect are examples of traumatic events. When there is a change in emotions, thoughts and behaviors, often appearing as if a person is changed or different, this is a trauma-response. When those feelings, perceptions and choices prevent us from living a happy life or reaching our goals, we have a deterioration in short term well-being and possibly long-term health.
Often people will complain about sudden temper or anger in situations when they used to be a calm or non-reactive person. There can be chronic irritability or feeling on edge, a sense of watchfulness or suspicion that something bad will happen again. The sense that the world is no longer a safe place isn’t always obvious at first. Certain situations may bring forward those thoughts and feelings without a person recognizing. Eventually the response becomes habit; to seek safety and protection at all cost. This habitual response was helpful in a dangerous situation, but now it can interfere and become a frustrating burden for the person.
What is a “trigger”?
Any reminder that mimics the trauma, or dangerous experience, can activate the memories, emotions and coping behaviors of the past. In fact, this is where the body often tells us something is wrong before we understand what might be happening. At a deep level there is a memory of smells, sounds and sensations that accompanied the traumatic events. These reminders cue our body to respond.
Body responses are recognized by freeze/fight and flight responses. Feeling frozen and stuck can be one neurological answer to the danger. Others will find adrenaline pushing them to battle, to either fight back or to try and leave the situation. What is confusing is that the current reminder, or “trigger”, may not pose a threat at all. The response in our body tries to convince us that we are back in the immediate danger.
Where does self-talk come in?
Body responses are quick, automatic and feel very out of our control. However the power of the mind and the meaning it applies to these feelings and reactions is actually even more powerful than the adrenaline or sense of being stuck and frozen. This is because it confirms to the body that yes, that was the right reaction. Thoughts are the story we are building to make sense of the feelings. In an attempt to make sense of the horrible thing that happened and the feelings that won’t go away – we try and explain it to ourselves. Some of those explanations are hidden in the shadows, automatically showing up when we are put in situations that remind us of the trauma. Trauma-therapy and trauma -informed work asks that we identify the things that we whisper to ourselves. It can take time and deep listening to hear them.
Themes of Trauma-Talk
Humans nature seeks and demands choice and free-will. Traumatic events that overpowered our choice and overwhelmed our will can cause us to deeply question certain things. Even when we are not talking about them, these questions show up in the stories and inner-talk we create. Consciously we might think we have good answers, but under the surface of logic we do believe these distortions of reality. These are the ways our mind has tried to cope with feeling out of control and helpless.
A common group of thoughts we entertain after great hurt and loss are themes around guilt, responsibility and shame. What actually happened and who is responsible are no longer simple questions. Instead of understanding we were a target, we see ourselves as someone who must attract the wrong attention, or somehow did something wrong. This is the only explanation we have for why this must have happened. Instead of being in the wrong place at the wrong time, we see all the things that might have prevented or changed the outcome.
Carrying this heavy responsibility, we can believe that we deserved this awful thing. Rather than to accept a random, uncontrollable reality, we will take on responsibility to prevent it from happening again. We accept ourselves as the problem rather than the thing that happened to us. For some this gives a sense of power to avoid or prevent it from happening again. For others, the sense of guilt and shame create a universal helplessness. Rather than surviving a terrifying event, they might live as if they are forever endangered. This too is a protective response to ensure that they stay alert and on guard for future danger.
Another common response to trauma, the mind adopts the perspective that the world is not safe. This can look like beliefs that nothing can be trusted, nothing is forever, everything will eventually disappear or let us down. It can feel like anger, distancing or even shutting down. Trauma-thinking often turns up the volume on emotion and then zooms into a memory and creates a whole reality from that moment. After all, our minds and bodies don’t want this to happen again, so they are watchful and alert.
Healing and moving through trauma means two things; calming the body and retraining the mind. Reducing the intense and overwhelming feelings and re-writing the story happens in a series of moments where mindfulness allows us to explore the part of us that is still terrified. ** See caution below.
Reversing the Story
Once we listen and hear the stories we tell ourselves, we must decide what to believe. Are these thoughts true? Are they reflective of reality? Are they creating more damage? If we have allowed danger to teach us we are weak, panic and overwhelm will continue to rule our nervous system. If we have internalized that nothing is safe, we may generate anger and push people away as we grasp for control.
What do we do with hurt and fear? How can we move forward into life, which is dangerous, when we feel weakened, hardened, jaded? Listening to the inner story lets us understand where changes need to be made. Once we see the hidden beliefs that dominate our life, we become capable of challenging them and maybe even releasing them.
Healing always comes from truth. What was true in the past, may no longer be true. Or the explanation we have accepted might be unfair or even harmful. Facing these thoughts and re-writing the story we can over-ride the alarms and clatter of trauma responses. Speaking to ourselves with kindness and intention can help re-build trust in ourselves and our future.
Inner-coaching and leadership can start small. The stuck places can be retrained when we shift inner-talk. We might not immediately believe the new messages. Feelings can actually follow action. Changing the story does in fact change us.
If you have experienced life-changing trauma or events that have shaken your sense of self and confidence, you may benefit from trauma-informed care and therapeutic services. While healing comes with time, time doesn’t always heal.
** An important warning label: when we are still in danger, we should not try and convince ourselves we are safe. Trauma work is done when we have a degree of safety. This might be in a therapist office or it might be three years after we exit a bad situation. Trauma-work is not advisable when it is possible that you will face imminent danger again.
