Does Parenting Bring out Toxic Traits?
If you are feeling guilty and confused over the emotions and responses brought up by parenting, you are not alone. Finding yourself overreacting time and again, unable to understand your child’s reactions and fighting to get through the day would wear out the best of us. After all, isn’t a calm and confident parent best?
The key elements of measuring a parent’s style are on the dimensions of how “demanding” you tend to be as a parent and how “responsive” you tend to be. However my experience with families and parents says this is actually very dependent on stress levels and the parent’s own attachment style. Failing to have your needs met as a young child or your current stress management can percolate and brew right along with all those intentional parenting choices. A key sign of this; your responses are opposite of what you truly value and aspire to be as a parent.
Typically an Authoritarian parenting style is most effective at building both connection and appropriate parent/child roles. However, a parent who experienced high levels of neglect or control in their own childhood may find they swing into a defensive parenting model when their own needs are not met or they feel too much chaos/lack of control in their own life. Recognize that anger and overwhelm are simply the engine light asking for maintenance.
“Toxic” Parenting Trait #1: Needing Control
If you are worn down from not getting responses or getting constant pushback, you are not necessarily an unreasonable person. However, you may need a tune up in the area of connection and relationship. You may think you don’t have time to play or slow down, but if all your interactions with your children are when something needs to get done you are bound to get resistance. They also need control over their own life and your focus on getting life “done” may be preventing any time to enjoy each other. Own it. Slow down.
“Toxic “Parenting Trait #2: Giving-In and Giving-Up
If you are encouraging extra screen time and approving overnights with friends that have your partner in hysterics, you may be in needing some serious self-care. Perhaps you are exhausted from feeling constant emotional and physical demand and think this is ‘self-care’. Unfortunately, excessive independence and space can result in disconnection and a lack of input with your child in the long run. Take care of you, and find how re-connecting with your kids can become part of your own self-care.
“Toxic” Parenting Trait #3: The Angry Hulk
Anger is the warning light for a lot of things, but worst of all it creates a lot of guilt and shame after the fireworks. Check in with yourself and/or a partner and see what might be the underlying need you don’t have time to address. Start by scheduling 10 minutes of non-judgmental time to think about and problem solve. Trust that it takes time, but that you can unwind the damage even if that means apologies and getting extra support for yourself and your family.
While none of this is easy, it can be simply creating time to talk about and reflect on what is happening in your family. If you are seeking further support with self-leadership and parenting skills, reach out HERE.
