One of the hot psychology buzzwords, “codependence” gets thrown around a lot but isn’t always fully understood. Co-dependence refers to a pattern of behavior where we put someone else’s needs above our own in a way that is unhealthy. Even if it is often misused or misunderstood, co-dependence is an idea worth understanding. Ultimately recognizing co-dependent behaviors helps you know when you should prioritize your own well-being.
There can be different reasons that we learn a pattern of putting other’s needs before our own. We might have grown up in a large family where we learned to be the “easy-going” kid, hoping that we could make things easier. Or we might have learned that family comes first, that having our own opinion is a threat to family loyalty. Another example can be when a parent really needed our help and we learned that one of our greatest strengths was being strong and making sure everyone got through the tough times.
Putting others before our own needs can look like keeping our thoughts and feelings to ourselves, putting personal goals or desires on hold, and spending most of our time and emotions supporting the other person. At first glance, these behaviors can seem helpful, unselfish, or compassionate. Unfortunately, chronically denying our own needs has serious consequences for our sense of self, our wellness, and the very relationships we over-invest in.
Family dynamics such as alcoholism, or other trauma or neglect in childhood often contribute to co-dependent tendencies. Often we seek out relationships for closeness or fulfillment that we were not able to have with our dysfunctional or hurting family members. Ironically, those desires and feelings for healthy relationships can drive people-pleasing and continue to deny our own needs.
Breaking the codependent cycle starts with recognizing it. Becoming very aware and open to challenging expected responses are starting points for healthier boundaries. Making these changes often requires additional support as there will be resistance in relationships that have been stuck in co-dependent patterns. Changing a familiar and close relationship can be scary, rocking the boat when “everything is fine”. Make sure you have support and cheerleading helping you stay focused on the changes you need to make. Joining new activities or even finding a support group, can be transformational as you brave the path to finding healthier ways of being in a relationship.
Change is possible, starting with you noticing how much you give. You can continue to be a kind, caring person—but noticing your own opinion, your own needs, your own ideas—these are valuable things the world needs. To live as if someone is always more valuable or worthy than yourself is unfair and hurtful. We are all better friends, parents or siblings when we choose to be open, honest and show up as ourselves.
