This is a tough and personal topic for over half of us. There are so many losses that come with divorce, that the popular sentiment is to “lawyer-up” to protect the physical assets at stake during a divorce. The problem is, negotiating years of work and the future of your relationship with your child would be devastating even without the emotional shock and pain of divorce. Ultimately, we risk losing our identity and self-respect when we act out of hurt and fear.
Slowing down: Asking for time to think and process the decisions needed is never a bad thing. If you are feeling pressure, ask your lawyer what would be a reasonable way to gain some time to think through the decisions you are being asked to make. Even if you still have to make a hard choice, you should have assurance that you considered it carefully.
Allow for change: Sometimes we need to set strong boundaries during a separation, for clarity and to help the process of moving on. However, it can also be helpful to understand what is a “now” decision and what is a “permanent” decision. Ask your lawyer where you may have opportunity for change and re-negotiation and what actions are critical to take during the first weeks and months of high emotionality.
Talk to the kids: Seek professional support to help in explaining to your children the changes with a divorce that does not cast blame and helps them start to grieve the losses and changes in a healthy way. A powerful gift is agreeing on an explanation that ‘works’ and allow your children to grow into their adult understanding of the divorce in their own time. Co-parenting is best as a professional relationship; ultimate goal for the well-being of your child, not for exacting revenge or gaining support.
While nothing will make divorce easy, recognize that things become clearer and calmer with time. Slowing down and feeling the magnitude will help you make choices that reflect your values and love for your family.
