It really shouldn’t be a newsflash, but we all get angry sometimes. Some of us more than others, and others yet feel bad admitting it. So for a moment, let’s pretend that anger has something unique to teach us. When we ignore our anger, or guilt ourselves for feeling it, we can miss important cues about our needs and our values in life. Lean in for a minute without judgement and be open to what your anger might be saying.
That was not okay. Anger is often our protective older brother (or best friend) that keeps us from accepting mistreatment. Unfortunately, expressing anger doesn’t always fix the situation but it is our frontline defender that shouts “Hey, that’s not cool!” and pushes us to set boundaries, find new friendships or voice the wrong.
Make a change. Just like pain signals, anger might be alerting us of frustration or inability to get what we want or need. The change might be with our circumstances or within ourselves, but anger can be a clue that things can’t keep going the same way. It isn’t always obvious what we are really upset about or what we need to do, but starting by listening to anger as a call for change can help us tune into patterns and possible meanings. This is called learning your ‘triggers’. It might be an event, or it might even be ongoing circumstances that have finally reached a threshold and you’ve had enough. Recognizing early warning signs allow us to make changes sooner rather than later.
For example, while road rage might seem it’s about the other stupid drivers, paying attention to anger flares can help you understand your own response. You might recognize that the combination of less sleep and more work pressure is the context. While you can’t stop the commute, you might choose to travel with a friend or at a different time of morning as well as protecting your sleep.
Or you might find your thoughts during driving fuel the anger. Self-talk can be a big clue. “Everyone is reckless and inconsiderate,” or “You all are horrible!” shows your thoughts might be coming from a negative sense of the world. Working on the source of these thoughts can be important in unraveling the changes you need. Perhaps there are too many people asking and not enough giving in your life. Perhaps you are needing to find more compassion in your life. While we can’t change the drivers, we then learn how to meet our needs and value the source of hurt.
Bigger picture, Brene Brown makes an insightful reflection that anger can be a catalyst for social reform and changes. While anger itself is not enough, anger recognizes injustice and calls for action. Anger can be a sign of compassion for others. How amazing is that?
You are stressed to the max. Maybe you think you are always stressed, but an increased reactivity and irritability show that life is pushing you to the limits. Sometimes our anger shows in our relationships, sometimes in the rumination and time we spend rolling things around in our head. It may seem like you shouldn’t complain or that it’s “just life”, but research shows that talking about challenges and feeling emotionally supported can make a huge difference in how we navigate stress. Maybe anger is a sign to schedule time with a friend and be willing to open up about life. Anger reminds us that “hold on tight” is not a way to live life; sometimes we have to reach out for help.
Anger is absolutely time to slow down and listen. Much of anger is biological and we need time to literally rest and reset. Exercise, water, rest and connection with others can make more of a change than you might expect.
If anger is overwhelming and putting you or someone you love in danger, don’t wait to reach out for help. Try the national crisis hotline at 988. It really is okay to admit you are angry and it may help more than you think.
